Module 1: Increasing Awareness
unit 3
mindful about reactionsPurpose: Understand how modeling behavior is more impactful than "teaching"
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mindful about reactionsPurpose: Understand how modeling behavior is more impactful than "teaching"
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Our own self awareness can fuel that of our children, and the choices we collectively make. As we tune in and notice, observing ourselves in action (being mindful), we are not just “reacting” but we’re learning. This curiosity helps us understand our own choices — and, in turn, we can better understand our children and our interactions.
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In this video, notice Jay’s story of ‘over giving,’ having a melt-down, and then recognizing his own pattern. With empathy, he could see that he pushes his kids in the same way. There’s an opportunity to have a “redo” and exercise choice. Naming the pattern helps us to notice it in the future — and to understand ourselves and our children better.
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module 1, unit 3THE PARENT MELTDOWN****I think there is a possibility here to go more in depth about the meltdown and analyze the impact of our behaviours on our children. The content in this unit is a bit thin****
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****I think there is a possibility here to go more in depth about the meltdown and analyze the impact of our behaviours on our children. The content in this unit is a bit thin****
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module 1, unit 3EQ TOOLKIT: MODELING BEHAVIORS1. Pause and Consider
If we can take a six-second pause before we react, we can distract our brain in a healthy way. This allows us to consider what is the best way to proceed, and what may happen if we don’t navigate the situation in an optimal way. Remember to breathe. as this allows oxygen to flow to the brain (see Unit 2.1 for more on this). 2. Have Fun Recognizing Patterns! Observation is one of the best ways to become aware of our own patterns as parents and see those same or different patterns in our child(ren). In the next few days, write down your reactions when you interact with your kids: When _____ happens, I _____ (think or feel or act), and my child(ren) _____ (think or feel or act). If you are not satisfied with your own reaction or that of your child(ren), ask yourself what could you do differently. Could you think, or feel, or act differently next time? What might happen? Are you interested in trying it? 3. FOG Consider your Feelings, Options and Goals (FOG) – this is a wonderful tool to use to redirect a situation. Ask yourself, what you are Feeling, then what is your Goal here, and finally consider what you see as your Options here. With an eye to our overall goals, we often find that our options expand. |
PRACTICE WITH YOUR FAMILYCheck out this article about the FOG steps, and put this FOG poster on the fridge.
After that, create a set of posters as a family, where you each list, share and explore your FOG around a challenging situation (it could be one situation you’re all in together, or each can do her/his own.) Start by asking what it is that each person FEELS in that situation. Use pictures, or images from magazines, and each person create this part of her/his poster. Remember to try to make your conversation as emotionally ‘safe’ as possible, for all members (not abusive, but honest). Next, go to GOALS, and list your micro-goals (something small you want now) and macro-goals (something big and long-term). Again, use words, pictures, headlines or a collage for each family member to depict what s/he wants. Finally what OPTIONS do you see in the situation? Sometimes it helps to be “wildly creative” and have a safe disregard for the impossible. Each person should depict at least three different options. Discuss your posters as a family. If you’ve all looked at one situation from multiple viewpoints, where are the commonalities and differences? With empathy and openness, can you see one another’s perspectives and patterns more clearly now? How can you agree to move forward? (Maybe make another poster!) How can you notice your own FOG more each day? |
One of the key elements of EQ is to be clear about what triggers us. When we know which people or situations are like red flags to a bull, then we can deepen our self awareness and our choices about how to handle these situations.
Remember, parenting is more about the parents, not just the children. What we model, or who we are in our parenting and lives, is one of the predictors of who children will become. Our ability to manage and master our own reactivity will help us as well as our children achieve success in life. Sample FOG Poster |
Situation: When the kids walk in the door, they kick off their shoes, drop their bags in the living room and immediately turn on the television.
Feelings (of parent): Anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment, exasperation Goals: Micro Goals: Get the bags unpacked, the shoes put away and get agreement on TV after homework or for only 30 minutes Macro Goals: keep the connection and teach the kids to be responsible Options: scream moan do it myself ban television to weekends only have a family meeting to discuss the way forward create a sign together as a family for the front door for what is required create a TV watching roster |